【雅思作文批改】6分：论点新颖但不够明确

张承辉 • 2022-03-26 • 知识

【雅思作文批改】6分：论点新颖，但不够明确

雅思作文向来是中国考生的软肋，这位同学就是雅思7分的大神，但作文也仅拿了6分，所以大家一定要练好作文，把低分项提高，总分自然就上去了。好了，来说说这篇文章的内容哈，论点不够明确，总体还是非常不错的，大家可以好好看看啦。

作文题目：

作文内容：

[A1] Now there tends to be more and more children who find it difficult to concentrate on classes. They may feel distracted or have some other interests. I personally think that there may be two reasons.

Thanks to the rapid development of modern technology, especially the Internet, life becomes more convenient and colorful[A2] for us. For children, their parents may buy them iPad, smartphone or PSP[A3] . Such advanced equipment gives them an opportunity to explore the Internet, but also an opportunity to be addicted to video games, violence and pornography. Although they have to go to school every day, they may feel boring[A4] and distracted easily because classes are less attractive than Internet and games in their opinion.

What is more serious is that Internet and modern technology help us to find answer[A5] too easily, which is harmful to children s perseverance. When a child meets a question, he[A6] even does not need to put all his[A7] efforts to solve it. If he looks for solutions on the Internet, it could answer him in only a few seconds. Regular classes will encourage children to think and try their best to solve a problem, and brings them a sense of achievement, but now their perseverance may be weaken. [A8]

To solve this problem, I think both school[A9] and parents should take their responsibilities. For school, it is necessary to improve teaching methods to make class[A10] more interesting and more challenging. After-school activity[A11] is another good way to trigger children s interest[A12] . For example, teachers could take students to the pond in their school to learn knowledge about biography.

For parents, they need to set limits for their children on the time-using of electronic devices[A13] . They could also build children s perseverance spirit[A14] intentionally, such as finishing a complicated jigsaw together. once parents really take their responsibility[A15] in children education, such worrying phenomenon will be improved.

[A1]第一段建议：第一句：介绍社会或自然背景；第二句：改写需要分析的话题；第三句：说明本文要分析这个现象的原因和解决方案。

你这种简明的方式也很好，但是第二句是什么？建议写成改写原题 + 概况原因

[A2]这个词很不正式

[A3]可数名词单数永远不单独使用，前面加上限定词，比如the/an/a/this/that/my/your这些词，否则后面就必须加复数。 ....buy them iPads, smartphones or PSPs.

[A4]bored

[A5]answers

[A6]女孩呢？ He/she

[A7]His/her

[A8]论点不明确。这个在夸regular classes? 跟主题的关系是什么？

[A9]schools

[A10]classes

[A11]Enriching after-school activities

[A12]interests

[A13]On the time of using electronic devices

[A14]build up children s spirit of perseverance

[A15]responsibilities